Some errors. Ukrainian parents learn to communicate effectively with children
“Try for one day to record all the phrases and comments that you tell your children. And find that more than half of the words and claims are of a negative connotation,” so begins a seminar for parents of Kiev psychologist and coach Evgeny Miroshnichenko.
The Soviet model of education, according to him, today’s children are not suitable. Strict discipline and insistence on the part of parents, children often perceive as a dislike. Post-Soviet moms and dads have to learn the respect for children, and the ability to clearly designate the boundaries of what, and more importantly, effective communication, without shouting and humiliation. But, it turns out, not many can do it. Adults unconsciously reproduce anything that you experienced in childhood. To break this vicious circle, of Ukrainian parents are sent to special training.
“I tell my son the same hurtful words that I once said mother, and blamed myself for it. But how to explain to him that you need to learn, don’t know,” about such a complaint comes to training every other parent. “Many adults think about how to educate children, not to cause them psychological trauma they received in childhood, standing in a corner on the buckwheat,” says Evgeny Miroshnichenko.
Instead of a slap
According to the psychologist, the training that he conducts with Mature people, show how negative attitudes from childhood that affect our notions of ourselves throughout life and how these assertions difficult to leave, even knowing their groundlessness. If the participants could pass a message to his parents, nine out of ten would say, “believe in me”.
“What we seek, what is the bar we set for ourselves, achieve results, it all comes from our childhood,” – said Miroshnichenko. He convinces adults: children always behave appropriately, even if their behavior does not meet your expectations at a particular point. In the classroom parents are training the ability to identify false targets children and practise the dialogues. Because if a child behaves badly at a party, then the cause may be a lack of attention and jealousy towards others, so banal boredom. In this case, instead of censure need to figure out the cause.
“What if he’s in the store hysterically?” warily asks dad. “Stand aside and allow the child to live this experience – responsible psychologist. – The main thing – not to get involved in this game.” To recognize the feeling, pause, not to speak about the identity of the child, and to comment on the behavior, to talk about their experiences – here’s a simple algorithm work for mom and dad. For many of them it becomes a revelation of the variety of reactions that can be used instead of the cuff. “As someone from the parents to begin to communicate differently, as a new style of dialogue becomes the norm,” says the psychologist.
The design of the character
Grow with purpose. Tatiana Tsvetkova was training for parents and understood how to help her daughter Dasha achieve good results
“If you child is talking, do not interrupt him and do not rush to give advice, otherwise it will be to report only the facts, and you won’t know about his feelings. This is one reason why children are alienated from their parents,” says mom with experience Tatiana Tsvetkova. Her son is a University student, a daughter, a fifth-grader. Tatiana has two shelves of books on parenting. Go to the courses she advised a friend a parent. Motivation Tatiana is the following: to help your child to develop character qualities that will help in life: confidence, responsibility, diligence and the ability to defend own opinion. These qualities should be called every time your child exhibits them. For example: “well Done! You are able to defend their opinions”. Then the child will form a representation of myself, in adulthood, this is referred to as principles.
In the family of Marina Oksamytna three children: the eldest daughter is 7 years old, younger by three years. Seven Mary often have to yield to the sisters, and this, according to mom, makes her insecure. Before the beginning of the school year Marina took the training parent skills and now helps Mache to strengthen faith in yourself, learn to follow through, and be able to defend its borders. When younger trying to take away Mary felt pens and toys, especially Marina wondered if she really wants an older sister to share, if not, asks the sisters to be patient. Masha has to take a decision. So mom taught me to behave on parent training.
“To live happy, we must be able to distinguish between our desires and imposed from outside,” says Marina Oksamytna. She believes that if mom did not press, I would choose the profession of a financier, but a psychologist. “In my childhood there was not enough support and faith in me by parents”, – says Marina.
Boom of creation. Coach Darius Shevchenko says that in recent years the interest in trainings on education for all is more common among men
“Children are becoming more advanced, and parents must work on yourself to understand how you can help your child to succeed in life,” explains curator training programs for children, adolescents and their parents Darius Shevchenko. Seven years ago, when she was just launched such a program, wishing it was smaller, and the audience consisted mainly of mothers. Now on the course “Learn to understand each other” half of the audience were men.
“Many have undergone trainings of personal growth and having the tools for their development, want to help their children,” says Shevchenko. Training, she said, help to understand not only how to behave with their own children, but actually how to talk to relatives, colleagues and partners to communicate was comfortable.
“When the training I was told that now will teach us to talk about feelings, my first impulse was to leave, and as soon as possible, – says the businessman Alexander Smoliy. – But the coach promised: when you have mastered the technique of offenseless communication, can heart-to-heart chat with his son”. In the end, Alexander has established relationships not only in family but also in business. “Before, I interpreted the feelings as my own weakness, now I understand: love,’ he jokes. – Watching TV and saw through one love”. Alexander calls himself a professional parent and from time to time advises friends. Together they organize hikes and cultural trips for the kids.
“When children become a powerful factor of development for parents – this suggests that society is beginning to grow up, – the doctor of psychological Sciences Elena Leshchinskaya. – However, while the “new” attitudes towards minority children exhibit adult, more educated and secured”.
Famous Russian psychologist and author of Handbook for parents “to Communicate with the child. How?” and “Continue to communicate with the child. So?” (on the basis of these two works and built the majority of workshops for adults) Julia simultaneously believes that the people are simply starved for normal human relationships in families. “Children are the same, with the same needs, and that for centuries. Mistakes parents are the same, but even with the imposition of the consequences of the authoritarian regime. Boom training is associated with ideas and trends more freedom in society and the fact that the psychological service specialists get money now,” says Julia simultaneously.
Kiev psychologist Eugene Miroshnichenko wants to teach at least 10% of Ukrainian parents in the skills outlined in the book of the Moscow colleagues. In his opinion, is not just good business, but also a powerful impetus to social change.