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The Crisis of three years


One day you’re trying to dress your baby to go for a walk and he empties your jacket with a cry: “I am myself!” You invite him to go to lunch, but he refused, despite the fact that obviously hungry. Congratulations, it is a crisis three years ! We will tell, what it is and how to survive.

During the crisis three years it seems that the baby is doing everything contrary. The old ways of managing no longer work, the little one stops to listen. It can ruffle even the most patient parent.

One of the most prominent Russian psychologists L. S. Vygotsky described the “semitische symptoms” of the crisis three years

Negativism — the child refuses to do something just because it is offered by an adult. He seeks to do the opposite, often to the detriment of their own interests.

Stubbornness — the child insists on something just because he asked. If the child badly wants any toy and her persistently seeks is not stubbornness. If you see that actually it is not so and want something, and it continues to demand only because he does not want to back down from his words — that’s called stubbornness.

Obstinacy — the denial lifestyle, which has evolved up to 3 years, what he did before. The child does not like the way his clothes, he rebels against having to hold hands, eat with a spoon, etc.

Self-will — the desire for independence. The child refuses the help of the adults and tries to do everything himself, even if he wasn’t very good.

Protest-riot — behavior begins to wear deprecating nature. The child is constantly in conflict with loved ones.

Depreciation — change of attitude in the first place to parents. Their personality like depreciates, the child may begin to call them, threaten with intent to hit.

Despotism — the attempts of the existence of absolute authority over the family, especially if it is the only child in the family.

All of the above does not mean that your child will demonstrate a complete picture of the negative behavior, there are often only a few signs of the crisis, which are rapidly being overcome. In fact, any crisis phenomenon is rather positive. This is a natural stage in the development of each person, in which are formed the necessary qualities.

The main point of the crisis is that the child is psychologically separated from their parents, all his actions are aimed at the manifestation and affirmation of the self. The fact that these attempts of the child to follow his own desires are regarded by adults as a violation of the rules specified by them, in their eyes a child “misbehaves”. Bad — it means not as it should be, not as it was planned by them.

Your child begins to recognize himself in this world, their actions, and together with them and the rules by which he lives. Rules of life become the subject of attention of the child. To ensure that the rule had been adopted, it is first subjected to experimentation — the child, as it checks the boundaries of this rule, where still it is possible and how, and where, what it will be. Having understood the meaning of this rule, the child accepts them consciously.

3 years there is a consciousness of “I” — “I can”, “I am able” (before the child speaks of himself in the third person). In this regard, there is a desire to act at its own discretion and not on someone else’s demand. The kid wants to act independently, but the opportunities to do this, he is still little.

Along with this the child’s emerging self-esteem, it is expressed in the desire to be good and to get approval from parents. He has a “pride in achievement” — for example, drawing something, he immediately shows it to parents, expecting praise. A child’s attitude towards himself, his self-esteem depends on the attitude of parents to him. Through their evaluation, the child begins to experience a feeling of success or failure — so he formed an idea of their capabilities.

The desire to defend their “I” on one side and the desire to get approval from adults with other creates some unpredictability in the behavior of the child.

What to do to prevent or mitigate possible negative manifestations in the behavior of your child?

Remember: the main thing — patience . The result of the crisis is the development, acquisition of new useful qualities of the person.

Determine what the child could do on their own, without your help — and give him this freedom. Especially when it comes to self: dressing-undressing, washing dishes, picking up toys and so on. Even if it takes extra time and you have to wash the plate still maintain his initiative, in the future you don’t have to get him to help you around the house.

Praise him for specific things, for things that he brought to an end. Be accustomed to clean the toys can be in the form of a game — for example, offer to put cars in the garage (box) that it was warm and cosy to sleep at night.

If the child was guilty, pay his attention on offense — the child must know that he is not bad himself, but what he did was wrong. Do not allow assessment of the child’s personality in General, such as “you’re stupid”, “stupid” — remember that the child is looking at yourself through your eyes. He may sincerely believe that he “will never succeed and will not even try to learn something.

If the child is hysterically from the fact that something is not allowed — leave him alone, go in the other room. At the same time you yourself calm down and gather my thoughts. Tantrums always designed for spectators, they are usually addressed to a specific person. Left alone, the child loses the sense of crying and calms down.

Let your inhibitions will be few, but justified. Three-year-old is quite possible to explain the meaning of the prohibitions. Do not let disagreements between family members in regards to what you can allow your child and what is not. The requirements should be uniform, that the child was easier for them to navigate, the discrepancy in the requirements leads to a neurotic child.

If the child refuses your offers, for example, go for a walk, move his attention from the fact of walking on something extraneous. For example, what kind of sweater he wants to go for a walk — in blue or in red. Or what to cook for Breakfast — cereal or pancakes? The need to make a choice will distract the child’s attention from the protest. This trains the ability to make their own decisions, albeit within the limits set by you.