Bert Hellinger. About love between parents and children
Integrity is an important concept in theology, in the doctrine of virtue and spirituality. I learned about integrity, something that is clear. Integrity begins with the simple.
First, it is obvious that whoever rejects one of their parents or internally puts himself above, he is at peace with himself. He feels the rift and the void. Who takes their parents and commends them, relies on them and gives them a place in his heart, he finds peace of mind. How can anyone be at peace with himself, if he rejects his parents? It’s his parents.
This is the basis of integrity. But this is not enough. The person must give to all members of your family or genus, including the deceased, excluded or forgotten, a place in my heart. Then he feels complete and it’s really free, free for the future.
Integrity extends to the past. Dead and excluded at peace, but I will give them a place in my heart. May they rest in peace, because each of them has a place in my heart. They rest in peace and still present in my life, despite the fact that died.
To take parents
The child may be in harmony with yourself, only if he took his parents. It is adopted. This means to accept their parents as they are to respect them as they are, not wanting and not representing anything else. They are the best, just are what they are. Who was able to take his parents, he is at peace with himself, he feels whole, in him live both of his parents with all their force.
Some people think that adopting parents, and they will take their bad traits. I’ve never seen. Adopted parents possesses the fullness of their strength; what used to be the Scarecrow in the fate of his parents (for example, illness of the mother), doesn’t matter anymore. This was like no. Parents can’t choose what to give children; the children can’t choose what to take from parents. Children can neither subtract or add to what they receive from parents, because children are the essence of their parents. Who recognizes this, he is in harmony with the great.
Bow down before parents
Bow before the parents — it’s my acceptance of life the way I got it from them at the price they had to pay for it; it is the acceptance of fate, which I predefined. This bow is more than just bow to the parents; it is acceptance of their own destiny, with all its chances and limits.
Your bow is and religious fulfillment. Inclined to bow immediately becomes free. Before worship, people can resist, blame the parents or show them the requirements. The person who opposes, should always be borne in mind: it will be against something he resists. When the mother overrides the father access to the child, the child becomes the same as the father. When we hide something from a child, wanting to protect him, the child will do exactly what we fear.
The father and the child
The child is always present by his father. Rejecting father, I reject the child. The child feels it and is going through a split. So completeness is not achieved.
Life is more than the parents
Many problems arise because the person perceives the mother or the father as the people who gave him life. As if life in their hands, so to speak, as if they are having a life for yourself, give it to the children. This is a false view. It often prevents the separation from their parents.
Look into the distance from whence came life, deprives parents of strength and, on the one hand, makes the child free to accept life in its entirety, as it comes to him through my parents. On the other hand, it gives parents of special dignity, because they are links in a long chain of generations before them. This makes free of both parents and their children.
This acceptance of life is a religious performance, which means a bow and adoption. This is the time of refusal of any accusations against parents. Whatever it is, guilt or innocence is no longer a factor. It is a deep fulfillment is possible only from a position of deep respect before the mystery of life. When I blame the parents, it means that I view life like you can handle it on your own or even pay for it, such as disease. Without reverence for the greatness of life therapy will not help. She will circle around.
Orders of love between parents and children
I’d like to say something about the orders of love between parents and children. The child receives life from his parents and his parents and takes the life from them — with love. This is the order.
Whatever they do, the parents (for example, does not fully take care of the children, did not support them; if parents forbid their children to marry), it is the fault of the parents. Carry only the parents. Children are not entitled to intervene in it.
B. X. (patient): In such cases you must tell your father and mother: “I absolve you.” And then the entire responsibility will be on them. You have received from them is important. Others cared for you, for example, the new husband of your mother and your brothers and sisters. Find your place among them. It is a great gift that they are. Parents also leave their own destiny. So you will be able to Express their respect and become free.
If you will be good — it’s a relief to parents. If you are well, if you get better or you just get better — it is another sign of your love to your parents. Then they need not feel remorse.
Love and power
I want to reveal to you another secret. A child thinks that his love is all powerful. If only he would be strong enough to love, it will make another person happy. If he is going to donate, it would bring the other happiness. This is a fabulous idea that the happiness of another — in his hands.
Sometimes parents think the same. They think that if only enough to love your child, he’ll be fine. Behind this lies the idea that love has the power. But such love is powerless. That’s why this love brings so much pain and often hidden, for example, in a rude or bad behavior.
Previously broken movement is the basis of neurosis. That’s a bold assertion. At the time of the early interruption of the movement for the mother of the child feels fear and slabside. This anger is the opposite of love. If the child is not loved, he couldn’t be angry. Child slabside because mother really needs and loves her. When, after the interruption of the movement of the mother again reaches for the child, he turns away, because mad at her. Movement and remains interrupted and does not reach the goal.
Later the man, who at an early age was interrupted movement to the father or to his mother, trying to build relationships with other people — especially with a partner on a physical level, recalls the pain of early termination. Instead of going towards it, he starts moving in a circle. From the place where he could move forward, he turns to the right or left and comes to the same point. There they again became afraid, he swerves again and comes to the same point. Such a movement in a circle is characteristic of neurotic behavior.
Solution for neuroses similar nature will bring the interrupted movement to the initial target. For young children it can make the parents themselves, if they know about it. They need to keep the child with love until the moment when the child stops resisting and calm down. Adults can do this as part of therapy if you find a therapist who understands this and can do it. Some people can do it themselves if they are mentally able to return to the moment of their childhood, when it was interrupted movement to the father or mother, to go to him or her while he will not have peace in their hands.