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Free advice of child psychologists – Children in situations of divorce parents


Svetlana Ovchinnikova, privately practicing psychologist, psychoanalyst, psychiatrist of the 1st category.

Many people facing divorce family are staying in a very typical misconception: finally, the hated spouse is gone, dissolved in the air or something like that. However, in most cases, especially if the family has children, everything goes differently.

Many parents hope that their divorce the child will suffer quietly and upset if this does not happen. All children suffer the divorce of parents is hard and this is quite normal. Only some of his experiences publicly display, while others, suffering no less, do not show it. The external peace of the child in the situation of parental divorce often means the beginning of the development of neurosis.

What’s going on?

To divorce children react with fear and confusion. In the mind of the child the parents decision to break up is not divorce them with each other, and divorce one of them with him. Fear overcomes him not only because of the loss of his father (which is often), but fears to lose his mother, often because their parents explain divorce: “We no longer understand each other, we are different people and, in addition, too often quarrel”. And which of the children do not quarrel with the mother in General and especially in such a difficult period for all after the divorce? Then rebenkom begins to think that maybe there will come a time when mom will break up with him, too, because dad she had left.

Some children feel powerless rage from what was thrown. Others suffer with guilt and think, “Dad left me because I was bad”, which in turn affects the sense of self usefulness: “I don’t deserve someone to love me, so leave me”.

This reaction is absolutely normal and even necessary to restore emotional balance. Many children fear makes regress, and they again begin to “cling” mommy. This is only an attempt to restore the trust that seems to have suffered as a result of divorce. So child like in early childhood is constantly trying to feel the presence of the mother.

First aid.

First of all, you must release the child from feelings of guilt. Parents can do this by only taking the IRR responsibility. They should explain to the child that, despite the divorce with my mom, dad continues to love him as before. A child should be given the opportunity to experience sadness, and mother to hide her sadness from him should not even out of fear of what it hurts. The main thing is to explain to him the cause of my mother’s sadness, and then this feeling will stop hurting and will be perceived as support.

If parents do not have child care, it remains in your heartache. Misunderstanding of the situation was causing him confusion, fear and resentment in the parent’s address, for the fact that they brought him suffering. However, he continues to feel parents love, but love in this situation is beginning to be perceived as something dangerous because it is accompanied by suffering.

So in the soul of the child develop neurotic conflicts between love and hate, between aggressiveness and the need to feel protected. When these conflicts become unbearable, the child ceases to be aware of them. He gains the ability to relive your fears internally, without expressing them, and the family atmosphere was calmer. However, this does not resolves the conflict, but only sends it in a different direction: the child becomes withdrawn or, on the contrary, aggressive, often sick, has trouble in school and communicating with okruzhayushimi.

Vicious circle.

This behavior is the child’s parents to take a very difficult position, because they themselves are at this time really need support. Often, instead of really help the child, his environment is struggling with the external manifestations of his grief. For example, scold him, if he behaves like a small. Unintentionally and unconsciously, adults only reinforce his fears. Because of the difficulty of meeting the father of the child is more afraid of completely losing it. Also intensifies the fear of losing a mother, because the child sees how she gets angry at him when he gives vent to his feelings. It is imperative to think about how should feel little man when one of his curses another parent, while the child loves someone curse.

Defensive strategies.

In reality, however, is not able to accept and understand the condition of the child parents should not be selfish – just at this time they are not able to be different. Why is this so?

After the divorce, children need such perfect parents, which does not exist in nature. In turn, parents and above all to the one who was a child during this difficult period of time need children who would be independent and undemanding, how they are to be had never. Jointly and severally liable for the breakdown of the family involves at least nekotoroe trust your partner, but the trust in most cases of divorce usually suffers the most. Often former spouses see each other as the people are selfish, evil and unreliable. In that case, what a loving mother and what kind of loving father would agree to give their child the “line” or “echidna”?

Divorce seriously injure and parents, enhancing their own childhood fears of separation and loneliness. In this situation, an adult in need of true love at least one person. Who else rely, if not on your own child? It is tempting to think that in a situation of divorce, the mother or father should strive to “secure” the love of ourselves. Hence commence action against become a competitor of the former spouse.

Overcoming feelings of guilt towards children is one of the most difficult psychological problems of divorced parents. To overcome this feeling help as accusations against a former spouse, and hope that the divorce did not cause the child too much harm. This hope serves as a motive for denial and indifference to the suffering of children, forcing us to treat them as “nonsense”, vagaries, and ingratitude, or to write off their bad influence on the mother (father). This is very disturbing to the parents to see the reactions of the child’s cry for help, support and reassure.

Often divorce is perceived as a social decline and loneliness. “I was plagued by fears, as once in childhood. Fear of loneliness mentally brings me back to my own parents. I feel a deep sense of guilt because he was not sufficiently good. I’m terribly sad that I left”. These are the thoughts of suffering razvedchica parents, many of whom have a desire to take revenge or to repay to a former spouse who caused them so much evil: “How can we prevent this vile “dog”, which threw me, and then warmed love my children?!

The main thing is the awareness.

In order to help the child, parents should first help yourself, but it doesn’t always work, because the parent acts in this period are based on the protective illusions and are not conscious. Indeed, experiencing the hurt of rejection is extremely difficult to admit their mistakes when creating a family, blame the child for the inflicted suffering, to overcome resentment and thirst for revenge to the former spouse. However, only the acceptance of yourself in all this can destroy the protective strategies that prevent escape from the vicious circle. Only then, freed from it, it is possible to look at the problem from another angle and try to find a reasonable solution.

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